Tony Keeton's Words And Things

“If you’ve ever heard me read before, you’ll know that I usually read out long, ramblingbits of nonsense relating to mythological creatures and space aliens and the like. This time, as it’s Christmas, I’m going against the grain, and I’ll be reading a very serious, sober, well-researched and scientifically-accurate piece which intelligently investigates the debate into a very current topic, Nuclear Power…    …Yeah, right…

Actually, since writing this piece, it’s been pointed out to me that Sellafield was decommissioned as a Nuclear Power Plant in 2007 so, if you’re feeling particularly pedantic, this also goes under an alternative title of:”

It Came Upon the Mid-Nuclear

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the plant,
not a creature was stirring,
not even an ant:

For, though some had indeed built
a nest in the walls,
they wouldn’t yet cause
any trouble at all

‘Til the following Spring
when a leaking reactor
would prove to have been
a contributing factor

in the fast evolution of
their arthropod minds,
and they grew to huge sizes
and enslaved all mankind!

…But for now, all was peaceful,
there was hardly a sound,
and nine-sided snowflakes
fell softly around.

The control room was covered
in bright filligree
and they’d so very festively
festooned the tree:

(But they’d run out of lights,
so the crafty old sods
had decked it with glowing
Uranium rods.)

And the garlands of tinsel,
they’d tastefully placed
round the pipelines that carried
all the hazardous waste -

which was pumped to a factory,
just out of sight,
where it then got rebottled
as Sunny Delight.

But our story this evening
concerns two young men
who worked on the night-shift
and were very good friends.

They were as close as brothers,
although no relation
but then, since they’d started
to work at the station,

they’d both incurred changes
to their DNA
and were related to nobody
now, anyway.

They’d both exchanged presents,
embracing the mood,
wrapped in bright-coloured paper
and a bag full of food

for the fish with two mouths
and some legs and no eyes
which someone had caught
in a river nearby

which looked like some alien’s
weird placenta
and they kept in a tank
in the visitors’ centre

beneath the big notice
which firmly vouchsafed
that Nuclear Power
was perfectly safe.

And now they were nestled
in suits lined with lead,
while bits of Uranium
danced in their heads.

When all of a sudden,
at this midnight hour,
came an almighty noise from
the main cooling tower.

Our heroes ran over,
to enquire of this din
and discovered the sound of
much swearing within.

So our two plucky heroes,
as quick as a flash,
released the main latch of
the maintenance hatch.

When, what to their wondering
eyes should appear
but a man dressed in furs,
and a grumpy reindeer.

He had eyes that did twinkle
and sparkled and cheered,
and Mrs Claus’ cooking still
stuck in his beard.

He had a huge belly
all wrapped in his fleece
and would no doubt be nowadays
classed as obese.

It shook and it shivered
and quivered like jelly,
but poor old St.Nick,
didn’t look very merry.

As he spoke, his breath curled
into mist in the frost,
and he said “Can you help me,
I’m totally lost”

“As we flew through the night
A blizzard arose
And the wind has extinguished
my reindeer’s nose!”

“If only, If only…”
They heard him remark
“There was some way of making
it glow in the dark…”

“Don’t worry!” our heroes
proclaimed with a shout,
“St. Nick – we can probably
just help you out!”

Now, I’d likely be lynched
if it were to appear
that I was promoting
cruelty to deer,

So I’ll spare you the details
of what happened, dear reader:
But it involved Rudolf’s nose
and the Station’s Fast Breeder…

And now, poor old Rudolf –
his nose did glow red,
but he seemed to have grown
a secondary head.

But St. Nick was quite pleased,
and he said – “That’s alright:
I’ve always quite fancied
a pair of headlights…”

And Rudolf was hitched,
by the jolly old elf,
to the front of the sled,
where he talked to himself.

And St.Nick, in a moment,
had boarded his sleigh,
gave a crack of the reins,
and was fast on his way.

And they heard him exclaim
‘ere he flew out of sight
Happy Christmas to all…
and to all, a good night!